pieces of jackson in Kenya

gosh, so long since i've written anything about jackson, which is weird because its still on my heart daily! its been funny to be here in kenya because in a weird way im continually reminded of my time in jackson...its not always because a situation or circumstance directly ties into something that happened in jackson...its often the way i process certain things or even the way i feel here that i vividly remember feeling in jackson.
the other funny thing about being in kenya is that one of the girls serving here is from jackson! (i know, so random!) unfortunately she just left, our trips only overlapped a few weeks, but while she was here it was so fun to share stories and hear her perspective of living in jackson. And from hearing her stories versus hearing mine, you would never guess we were in the same city, let alone the same state. i had never heard of any of the places she ate or hung out...and vice versa she had never been told about mine. We laughed when i told her she needed to try E&L's BBQ...she asked where it was, i told her, "on bailey" and she said..."im not even allowed on that street." later that night after kinda chuckling to myself about it i thought...how sad! not only is she missing out on the best BBQ in jackson, she just plain hasn't seen some of the cool things jackson has to offer, some of the places with the richest culture and history.
i do not blame or judge her for that...the sad truth is that the parts of jackson i was in were the more dangerous parts and so her and her families reasons are valid...but again, i see this divide between cultures and it makes me so sad. This is some of what i feel in kenya...its that same strong divide and it gives me that "pit-in-my-stomach feeling" that i hate! but it is interesting to be here and realize how much what i saw in jackson still shapes my thought process and is still a huge part of who i am. funny how god continues to use it in my life in various ways and in various places!

new perspective

well its been near a year since i wrote...time flies! but its weird how even in just the last 10 months or so i have gained a whole new perspective, of myself, of people, of the jackson experience, about what im supposed to do next etc..
two examples:
 1. i was certain right when i got back from jackson that i should drop out and start lookin for a job or a place where i could put my new realizations, passions to work! but nowwww, as i have had time to calm myself, i realize what i need is probably the opposite...i need more school!
2. i was readin through old blogs and realized how lonely i felt ...which may have been true at the time, but now as i think about Jackson that is not something that i think about at all! After leaving, the people that really cared about me, and the people i really care about have not only kept in touch, but we've gotten closer. i guess that saying is right...."distance makes the heart grow fonder"
I realize that i wasnt patient enough...4 months is nothin at all and so to expect to make deep connections just in that short time was STUPID, haha! (although, there was def. an exception to this)
But i guess this is only an affirmation that my story with Jackson isn't over...if it's still on my heart after this long i feel like it only makes sense to go back..which is why i just bought  a ticket to visit in january! we'll see whats next...but im excited to go back and see what god has for me there.

Coffee and Cigarettes

the other day i was walking around the UW campus, and when i glanced down i saw empty cigarette cartons and old starbucks cups. i instantly had flashbacks to jackson, where when i would glance down i would see swisher sweet and black n mild wrappers...and the occasional fast food wrapper. and it was just kinda funny, i mean obviously with different regions comes different cultures, traditions, norms etc...but how do they begin and why do they stick?
i guess lately iv just been feeling like i cant quite figure out my experience, but these little flashbacks are reminders that my learnings and lessons from jackson will continue to follow me and find me, in even the little, every day things...
iv been doing a HORRIBLE job at keepin this blog up to date but i cant quite wrap my brain around being back (for good!) so lately it feels like i dont have anything to say...bare with me

how do you know?

i have a million bajillion things swirling around my head right now so i apologize if the next few sentances, paragraphs or even blogs are confusing and jumpy! i am home now and yes i was right, it is weird! haha! there are so many things i could write about since i've been home...comparisons,realizations,conversations, feelings etc...but im limiting myself to 2 things tonight!
first...a conversation which lead to a realization, lol! member that 10th grade english teacher who i greatly admire that i wrote about on thanksgiving?!? well, when i got home i had to seek her out, she is an kindred spirit and i was dying to feel understood! She owns a little boutique now so i popped in to say hi and ended up staying for awhile! she invited me in the back and began asking some questions about my trip and how i was feeling now etc...i mentioned that i was a bit overwhelmed, and kinda confused on what the next step in my life should look like but i also mentioned that when i asked myself those kinda questions in the south i always thought of her because a specific quote from jane eyre that she made us read always came to mind...
"Still indomitable was the reply -- "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad -- as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth -- so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane -- quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot." (for those of you who havent read it, it prob wont make a whole lot of sense, lol)
but she said, "kate, remember in Jane Eyre how she had 5 main stations in her life...stations for change and transformation?" she continued..."and at each station as the reader learns something new about her, she learns something new about herself as well? well maybe jackson mississippi is one of your stations...and maybe you have a few more to go!"
after hearing this i almost starting crying...partly because i look up to Jane as if she was a real being (weird i know!) and so to compare her life to mine felt like a compliment, haha! but secondly because it was one of those moments where everything all the sudden made sense..but more than making logical sense, it gave me this feeling of hope, like im on track, like im not crazy!
but do you see now why i love this teacher! how many people do you know that can calm hearts and make sense of lifes mysteries by relating it jane eyre?!? haha....this woman is gifted i tell you!

but ok...2nd thing! tonight me and my mom went to see "how do you know" its actually pretty funny, i recommend it! anyway, so there is a part of the movie where reese witherspoons character goes to see a counselor/therapist and she ends up not wanting to stay and share about her problems, but instead asks something along the lines "over your course of work have you learned something general that applies to almost everyone in any circumstance?" i started to laugh when she asked this because i expected him to say no! it seems like his job is based on the uniqueness of each person, but he says "yes....find out what you want and learn how to ask for it!" she walks away then comes back and says "both of those are really hard" haha! and as i sat there and thought about it i thought about how true that was but i also felt a connection with the counselor character. i feel like since i'v been home i'v been asked the same question hundreds of times, "what did you learn?" and its a GREAT question, but when i hear it i wanna say "well i learned 27 million things, is there something specific you wanna hear about?" haha! it almost feels like i'd be belittling the experience if i said i made 1 main realization....but the truth is more that i think about it, the more i think, ya, maybe i do have 1 main thing! and it  is this...people are more the same than you think! i am not trying to take away from the beauty and uniqueness  in each individual person but i think growing up i thought people were different and places where the same but now i think i may have flipped it and people are more the same and places are different. and there is a whole lot of rhyme for my reason but basically after meeting people of different cultures, religions, backgrounds, regions etc...for as many differences i could point out, seen and unseen, i could point out that many more similiarities. and for some you may find it a dull realization, but it is one that gives me hope...it makes me feel connected to everyone....
im not looking for confirmation or agreement in my realization...im just putting the thought out there for those who have either asked the question or for those who are wondering "what i learned"

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

My mom gave me this prayer a few years back, i keep it above my bed so that i can read it daily! [excpet i left it at home:( ] lately i have been trying to figure out why did i come here? why am i leaving? what do i do when i get home? did i do things right here? did i use my time, resources wisely? etc... and its been overwhelming! but today i rememered the prayer, looked it up and it was EXACTLY what i needed to read!  i have to remember that this is only a small part of my road and i may not be able to see as far ahead as i would like! but i love that part that says "the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. " all i can hope is that i do have that desire in all that im doing and that it is the driving force behind all my actions!
update: this is my last full day in mississippi, im trying to fit everyone in for goodbye's and as much as i want to hug everyone and say goodbye part of me wants to crawl back in bed and go to sleep so i can just wake up and leave...hate goodbye's! but i'v also been getting texts and calls from people back home and it reminds me that i have the coolest, most amazing community around me and as hard as it is to leave, nothing compares to what i have at home! i was going to stop blogging the day i left but there are just too many things im left to process and i think i will learn and realize even more when im able to go home and compare...so im not signin off yet...the learning continues! haha

gotta get my act together!!!

well its reached that point...where i get so overwhelmed that i cry for no apparent reason, lol! I was working at the library yesterday and started crying, on a walk this morning i shed a few tears and now im at home...CRYING, lol! (the good news is it usualy leads to laughter! so dont be too concerned, haha) I am trying to mentally and emotional prepare myself to leave here and come home! I was talking to a friend and he said that as hard as culture shock is, reverse culture shock is worse! (i believe he is right!) i have to realize that not only have i changed while i'v been away that people and circumstances have changed back home. and so if i am frustrated with being "misunderstood" when i get home i have to realize that people are probably a little frustrated with me! Its all a process and im workin on it day by day...but most of the transition is something i have to wait to experience, i can't really process it before it happens.
Anyways, so 4 more days til i leave...AHHHH, it feels so weird to be able to count the number of days on one hand!

LOCKED IN!

today i went to the library...yes i realize it is saturday! haha! i was feeling productive and thought i'd get a jump start on my final papers and what not! I went to the third floor, there is this quiet little corner that no one goes to (that i've deemed "mine"). When i go to sit down there are 2 students talking 3 or 4 tables a in front of me. The guy said "why dont you come sit with us?" i said i had to knock a paper out real fast but appreciated the offer..he said (jokingly), "fine, if you're too good for us..." so i got up laughing "its not like that..but let me prove it to ya!" so i sat down and was immediately bombarded with questions! I dont know if the two were dating or just friends, but they were hilarious! We talked about seattle and mississippi, school and stuff. When i told them i was living at the Perkins Center we started talking about that which lead to talking about christianity and how religion changes from person to person but also from region to region. Then all the sudden the lights went out. The guy walked into the hall to see if anyone was there...the whole building was empty! It was 5 o clock, but usually the library is open late and even so, they will announce when it is closing over the intercom. So we packed up and went downstairs...the doors were locked and we were locked in! We started crackin up...i thought about going back up to finish my paper, figured there was no difference to be locked in at 5 than lockin in a couple hours later when i finished! Luckily another student passed by outside and it was all sorted out and we walked out a couple mins later! and now im sitting in the girls dorm working on my paper thinking about how funny life is!
The first thing i thought was...god must not want me to study! i try to go study but first im interrupted by people then the library shuts down! but then i realized that wasnt the message god was trying to relay to me tonight! haha! i realized how intentional god is! locking us in to create an environment for laughter and sharing! We may not be best friends-and we may not even keep in touch, but hearing their views tonight further expanded my understanding of people and made me realize that i shouldnt be too busy to take the opportunity to speak with people. (i realize that its conveniant that i gave up school work to chat, haha, but i think i also need to work on taking the time to talk to people even if that means cuttng something that i enjoy short!)
just a short little tid bit on my day!
Today also marks the 1 week count down til i return! really sad to leave here...but SO SO SO excited to see family/friends!!!