this year's thanksgiving was interesting! for starters instead of the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls, cranberry sauce etc...i had taco salad and some fruit snacks! (it was actually quite tastey) and instead of going around the table and saying something or someone we're most thankful for, me and my housemate had a movie marathon (oceans 11, 12, and 13!) However, the overall feel of the day remained! i recieved countless texts from friends near and far wishing a happy thanksgiving! family memebers called to check in and wish me the same! and all day i was in a very reflective mood about what it is that i am most thankful for! Here is the thing...there are give-ins! First and foremost, my family! Second, friends. Third, my ability to breathe, to walk, to taste, to run...my health! Fourth, that i have the freedom to live my own life, whether through encouragement from my family/friends or permission from the government!haha! and the list goes on...but for some reason what has been on my heart and mind all day are my teachers! i have not had very many throughout my whole k-12 education that i didnt like and even the ones that i didnt see eye to eye with, i appreciated! im not gonna give names...but because i couldnt share at the table today, im going to share now!
i am most appreciative of: my kindergarten teacher who encouraged me to just have fun and use my imagination! my second grade teacher who not only gave me a love of reading but was the first teacher i looked up to as a human being! one of the kindest most caring people that i'v met! my fourth grade teacher who introduced me to poetry and creative writing! my 6th grade teachers...both of whom turned out to be more like mentors! my 7th grade science teacher who not only gave me an appreciation for th sciences but who taught me a valuable lesson about embracing different cultures! my 8th grade history teacher for being one of the only classes i NEVER wanted to miss, one of the most extrordinary women iv met! my 11th grade math teacher for being the first person to explain math in a way i understood and for making me feel that i was listening to comedy stand up every class period! my 9th grade digitools teacher...what i actually thank him for isnt his teaching ability (although i loved his class) i thank him for the leadership role in my brother and friends life (as a baketball coach) i dont really know why he had such a profound impact but i think when you see the people you love respond, it causes you to respond as well! my senior english teacher or being one of the most gentle spirits i have EVER met and for helping me work through my weak areas in writing! my 12th grade physics teacher for one, being just an all around kind man, but for encouraging me to ask questions and experiment! my band teacher from 5th grade on...never have a met a teacher who earned more trust from students! and lastly, my 10th grade english teacher...for intriguing me not only with the course material but with herself! for foscusing on my strengths while still working on my weak areas! for making the nightly reading assignments turn into lively discussion and debate the next morning. For making every lesson we learned apply to the world outside the classroom! and when i needed it, for giving me grace and support!
so overall...today wasn't too bad because i was accompanied by the thoughts and thankfulness for not only all of these teachers but for the hundreds of other people in my life that love and support me and that continue to be present in my life! i wish i could say that the things i choose to do are soley based on myself and my own strength....but part of it is because for all the things i'v learned and that have been poured into me, i feel it would be a waste to not use it! in a sense then i do it out of obligation, expectation and accountability! thank you all for pushing me to explore, to ask questions, take risks, be creative, to be smart,logical and safe and yet accept life's mystery and run with it!
happy thanksgiving!
the spencer/perkins house!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
TALKS...
"TALKS" is a program i am involved in for community service...i have no idea why i havent written about it yet but i have some time on my hands this week with it being break so in thought id take a moment to write! Talks is short for "talks my mother never had with me" (or for the fellas-talks my father never had with me). They have placed me with 1 high achieving student, 1 moderately achieving student and 1 low achieving student (i dont now which is which) and we go through a curriculum together, once a week!
Other than talking about the importance of family, friends, school, integrity etc..we are encouraged to go through important life skills that are seemingly by-passed these days. Things like how to shake someone's hand and look them in the eye, how to sit up straight, etc...It has been so much fun! my girls are in 5th grade and they are hilarious! It is interesting (and sometimes sad to me) that what they accept as "normal" and acceptable often i find unacceptable and unfair...i have learned tho that i cannot change their circumstances and even if i could there are hundreds of other kids in the school that have the same mind-set! Its not even that i pity them or think they're way of life is wrong or worse than mine...i just wish they had the opportunity to look at it from the outside in, like i do! just to give a little taste of how one of our sessions goes...
last week we did a chapter on family...so the first question i asked was "how many people are in your family"
instantly the girls starting counting their fingers...i got answers like 17, 13, 19...they had counted cousins and aunts etc...i said....what about your immediate family? every girl started her answer with "my mom has 'x' amount of kids" and after each girl went i just bluntly asked "why did you all say "my mom?" they said, "well cuz my dad has kids too!"It made me curious as to how the rest of the kids in the school would have answered!
anyways, when they asked me i said, "i have one brother and one sister" they were a little bewildered at the simplicity of my answer!
part of me was bewildered and caught off guard by their answers tho too...and as much as i try not to feel sorry for them sometimes i do (if im being completely honest)...i cant help it! i guess when i say that i feel sorry for them it is assumed that i think my way, my up-bringing is the better way...thats not it! its more that im upset and disgusted with the part of life where we dont get to choose! i hate that life is unfair...
and YET, it makes us who we are! the girls in my group are who they are because of how they were brought up and the environment they were brought up in...and what i have realized is im quick to point out what needs to change..what is unjust or unfair...when there are a lot of things that need to be admired! like when the girls first answered the family question by counting extended family..what a cool frame of mind to instantly count your extended family..your cousins, aunts, grandparents in as your family! here i have the learned the importance of blood...whether you have common ground or not, you do anything for family!
im sorry if this blog was just a big blob of words...this would be an example of me processing as im writing...i thought about waiting to revise it but with respect to my last couple of blogs and being honest, open and vulnerable i am going to keep it 'as is'!
Other than talking about the importance of family, friends, school, integrity etc..we are encouraged to go through important life skills that are seemingly by-passed these days. Things like how to shake someone's hand and look them in the eye, how to sit up straight, etc...It has been so much fun! my girls are in 5th grade and they are hilarious! It is interesting (and sometimes sad to me) that what they accept as "normal" and acceptable often i find unacceptable and unfair...i have learned tho that i cannot change their circumstances and even if i could there are hundreds of other kids in the school that have the same mind-set! Its not even that i pity them or think they're way of life is wrong or worse than mine...i just wish they had the opportunity to look at it from the outside in, like i do! just to give a little taste of how one of our sessions goes...
last week we did a chapter on family...so the first question i asked was "how many people are in your family"
instantly the girls starting counting their fingers...i got answers like 17, 13, 19...they had counted cousins and aunts etc...i said....what about your immediate family? every girl started her answer with "my mom has 'x' amount of kids" and after each girl went i just bluntly asked "why did you all say "my mom?" they said, "well cuz my dad has kids too!"It made me curious as to how the rest of the kids in the school would have answered!
anyways, when they asked me i said, "i have one brother and one sister" they were a little bewildered at the simplicity of my answer!
part of me was bewildered and caught off guard by their answers tho too...and as much as i try not to feel sorry for them sometimes i do (if im being completely honest)...i cant help it! i guess when i say that i feel sorry for them it is assumed that i think my way, my up-bringing is the better way...thats not it! its more that im upset and disgusted with the part of life where we dont get to choose! i hate that life is unfair...
and YET, it makes us who we are! the girls in my group are who they are because of how they were brought up and the environment they were brought up in...and what i have realized is im quick to point out what needs to change..what is unjust or unfair...when there are a lot of things that need to be admired! like when the girls first answered the family question by counting extended family..what a cool frame of mind to instantly count your extended family..your cousins, aunts, grandparents in as your family! here i have the learned the importance of blood...whether you have common ground or not, you do anything for family!
im sorry if this blog was just a big blob of words...this would be an example of me processing as im writing...i thought about waiting to revise it but with respect to my last couple of blogs and being honest, open and vulnerable i am going to keep it 'as is'!
Monday, November 15, 2010
emotional rollercoaster!!!
Im gearin up for finals week...its weird that its comin so fast! As i think about leaving i become schizophrenic!!! i want to jump for joy but then i want to cry! i have fallen in love with some of the characteristics, places, traditions, and people here! I think its more than just leaving those things and people here...its comin home and trying to get back into the swing of things! how do you do that when you've had a life altering, view changing, heart wrenching experience! How do you encorporate what you've learned and how you've grown into your every day life when no one around you knows or understands the process of how you got there?
and perhaps i dont have to encorporate anything...maybe god brought me here simply to just witness and see it! (i think sometimes i over analyze situations but often i feel that if i become involved in something or my heart is attached to something that i have to do something, i have to act....) and of course it will sometimes subconciously form how i think or process certain situations, but maybe i dont have to DO anything with this experience other than be a part of it!
If you think about it, pray that i can prepare my heart for the transition-for leaving people i love here but then for coming back to people i love back home! and pray that i dont think about it too much these next couple of weeks...its still about 3 weeks out, i dont need to get emotional yet! haha! pray that i continue to be involved with the campus, the house and the community and not allow me leaving soon to discourage or dishearten me!
and perhaps i dont have to encorporate anything...maybe god brought me here simply to just witness and see it! (i think sometimes i over analyze situations but often i feel that if i become involved in something or my heart is attached to something that i have to do something, i have to act....) and of course it will sometimes subconciously form how i think or process certain situations, but maybe i dont have to DO anything with this experience other than be a part of it!
If you think about it, pray that i can prepare my heart for the transition-for leaving people i love here but then for coming back to people i love back home! and pray that i dont think about it too much these next couple of weeks...its still about 3 weeks out, i dont need to get emotional yet! haha! pray that i continue to be involved with the campus, the house and the community and not allow me leaving soon to discourage or dishearten me!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Mystery and Manners
So Mark left me with a book, "Mystery and Manners" by Flannery O'Connor and not only do i love it for filling up some of my free time, i LOVE what it says! (reminds me that you dont gotta go very far to learn somethin) Anyways, i'v been encouraged (by mark and my dad, but also by others) to write what i see as im here in mississippi (for those that dont know, i have started writing a book). So i have been trying to do just that! As i sat and read from O'Connors book today, i felt she was encouraging me to do the same. First i read a passage where she is actually writing about another author. He said, "if i write about a hill that is rotting, it is because i despise rot'. the general accusation passed against writers now is that they write about rot because they love it. Some do, and their works may betray them, but it is impossible not to believe that some write about rot because they see it and recognize it for what it is." Later in the chapter she writes "My own feeling is that writers who see by the light of their christain faith will have, in these times,the sharpest eyes for the grotesque, for the perverse and for the unacceptable..."
I guess thats what im working on right now...writing and labeling things for what they are! A lot of times i may not necessarily have the 'right' to speak those ideas, but im allowed to write them down and process them in that way! I asked a friend what he thought that last quote meant...he described it literally but then said...its like when you love something so much you hate it! and i think thats exactly what has happened here. I have fallen in love with the culture, the land, the tradition, the people etc...but often the things i observe are perverse and unacceptable! And perhaps that is why i fell in love with it in the first place. but i love it so much that i hate it...i hate the cycle of poverty, i hate the reality of resources (or a lack there of), i hate that they have people like me comin in to observe but who dont really do any good!
What i have learned that i can do however, is continue to write! To write things how i see them, or for what they truely are! another quote: "when you can assume your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not then you have to make your vision apparent by shock-to the hard of hearing you shsout, and for the almost blind you draw large and startling figures"
as i continue to write my book (if i can call it that, haha) i pray that i find balance in sensoring my words but in speaking truth and saying what i want to say in order to illustrate the things that some people dont get to witness.
I guess thats what im working on right now...writing and labeling things for what they are! A lot of times i may not necessarily have the 'right' to speak those ideas, but im allowed to write them down and process them in that way! I asked a friend what he thought that last quote meant...he described it literally but then said...its like when you love something so much you hate it! and i think thats exactly what has happened here. I have fallen in love with the culture, the land, the tradition, the people etc...but often the things i observe are perverse and unacceptable! And perhaps that is why i fell in love with it in the first place. but i love it so much that i hate it...i hate the cycle of poverty, i hate the reality of resources (or a lack there of), i hate that they have people like me comin in to observe but who dont really do any good!
What i have learned that i can do however, is continue to write! To write things how i see them, or for what they truely are! another quote: "when you can assume your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not then you have to make your vision apparent by shock-to the hard of hearing you shsout, and for the almost blind you draw large and startling figures"
as i continue to write my book (if i can call it that, haha) i pray that i find balance in sensoring my words but in speaking truth and saying what i want to say in order to illustrate the things that some people dont get to witness.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
some pics from our adventures...
Pat O'Briens-home of the hurricane and now a bunch of good memories
me and bartender barry....one of those classic stories
all good things come to an end...
so im sitting here reflecting on the last couple of days (and to be honest, im shedding a few tears) but they arent all sad...i am just SO happy that i got the chance to see some family over the weekend! Not only was it a few of the funnest days i'v had for awhile...it was some of the most profound! I'v mentioned that i value being known and knowing others and thats exactly what this weekend was for me...a time to be known! It was FULL of laughter and good conversation! And i didnt feel that i had to explain myself all that much...my dad (and mark) get me so well that most of what i was saying or stuff that they would say to me was assumed, which to me are rare type of relationship!
anyways,When they got here friday we started with a trip around their old stompin grounds...heard some great stories! then they toured the school with me, which was so fun for me to share some of what iv been experiencing with them, they got to see and get a feel for my daily surroundings and environment, meet some of my friends etc...then (after driving around for hours, lol) we got some drinks at a hotel downtown and then grabbed some of hte best bbq iv ever had at E & L's!!!
We got up saturday mornin and grabbed some starbucks, (praise god!) then drove to Nawlins! chowed down on some beneighs in the french quarter then walked around and admired some of the artwork! It was a perfect day, sunny but kinda cool! Then i had my first Hurricane-which just about sent me over the edge! we spent a good 2 hours at patty o'briens and i dont think i was quite drunk, but i was definately not sober, haha...it was a great time tho! Then we left to grab some grub-ended up in a little whole in the wall bar-we were the only people that were there...the bartender (barry) ended up sittin with us for most of the meal! by the end of the night we were takin shots together and takin pictures! Then we went back to bourbon street for some live music at "open door" it was amazing music! Part of my favorite entertainment tho was watching my dad and mark "jam" with the band...they were a little loose if ysa kno what i mean! haha
Sunday after we all recovered,haha, got to sit down for lunch with dr. john perkins-heard some profound things! then another starbucks run with the oldies-which actually we got a great hour or so in, talkin about my experience thus far processing what has been happening and talking about the goals, vision etc for the future! and now they're gone and i cant help but cry because, well one, im a crier, lol and 2 because not only is some of the fun over, but those people, who are people i feel known by, comfortable with, secure in, people i can be vulnerable with are gone! no they arent dying and yes i will see them soon, but it was such a relief to be with them this weekend and not have to think! we had some great conversations but i didnt really have to process anything or make any big decisions! lately i have just felt mentally and emotionally drained and having them here this weekend allowed me to just let go for a couple of days!
Feel like got a little breathe of life breathed back into me and now i can finish the semester strong with faith and confidence in what i am doing! forever grateful for the lessons learned this weekend...but more than wisdom and great advice...i thank you, mark and dad for simply loving me enough to show up and be present when i needed it most!
anyways,When they got here friday we started with a trip around their old stompin grounds...heard some great stories! then they toured the school with me, which was so fun for me to share some of what iv been experiencing with them, they got to see and get a feel for my daily surroundings and environment, meet some of my friends etc...then (after driving around for hours, lol) we got some drinks at a hotel downtown and then grabbed some of hte best bbq iv ever had at E & L's!!!
We got up saturday mornin and grabbed some starbucks, (praise god!) then drove to Nawlins! chowed down on some beneighs in the french quarter then walked around and admired some of the artwork! It was a perfect day, sunny but kinda cool! Then i had my first Hurricane-which just about sent me over the edge! we spent a good 2 hours at patty o'briens and i dont think i was quite drunk, but i was definately not sober, haha...it was a great time tho! Then we left to grab some grub-ended up in a little whole in the wall bar-we were the only people that were there...the bartender (barry) ended up sittin with us for most of the meal! by the end of the night we were takin shots together and takin pictures! Then we went back to bourbon street for some live music at "open door" it was amazing music! Part of my favorite entertainment tho was watching my dad and mark "jam" with the band...they were a little loose if ysa kno what i mean! haha
Sunday after we all recovered,haha, got to sit down for lunch with dr. john perkins-heard some profound things! then another starbucks run with the oldies-which actually we got a great hour or so in, talkin about my experience thus far processing what has been happening and talking about the goals, vision etc for the future! and now they're gone and i cant help but cry because, well one, im a crier, lol and 2 because not only is some of the fun over, but those people, who are people i feel known by, comfortable with, secure in, people i can be vulnerable with are gone! no they arent dying and yes i will see them soon, but it was such a relief to be with them this weekend and not have to think! we had some great conversations but i didnt really have to process anything or make any big decisions! lately i have just felt mentally and emotionally drained and having them here this weekend allowed me to just let go for a couple of days!
Feel like got a little breathe of life breathed back into me and now i can finish the semester strong with faith and confidence in what i am doing! forever grateful for the lessons learned this weekend...but more than wisdom and great advice...i thank you, mark and dad for simply loving me enough to show up and be present when i needed it most!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
grace like rain...
so this morning when i got up for class i was in a sort of solomn, reflective mood. We had a house meeting last night and a lot of issues were addressed so i was thinking about that and also recently have just been trying to think about the goals i have or want to set before i leave because im realizing just how close that day is from now (6 weeks i think?!?) i dont think its bad to be reflective or serious, but i have been a little too caught up in that kind of stuff that sometimes i forget to just enjoy what is around me!
So ANYWAYS, i walked out of the house and it was sprinkling rain, but i had my northface on so i was thinking id be good! it felt SO good to walk in the rain...it was kinda cool outside and overcast (almost felt like i was in seattle!) but as soon as i turned the corner from robinson street it started POURING!!! not just a lot of little rain drops but a TON of HUGE rain drops! after literally 4 seconds it looked like i had dove into a pool with all my clothes on! i could do nothing but laugh! i just got the giggles for the next couple blocks! Its like god knew i needed a little break-and as i got to school i couldnt help but think of that song "hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" sometimes i forget how blessed i am...as corny as it sounds, it was just a nice reminder...
p.s. for those of you that were worried about me being SOPPING wet, no worries-i had some extra clothes in my back pack and got a hold of a friend on campus! i changed in her room and left my stuff to dry!
p.p.s only 3 links in my count down chain for my visitors coming friday!!! ( my dad and uncle mark!!! lol-you guys are gettin me through this week!)
So ANYWAYS, i walked out of the house and it was sprinkling rain, but i had my northface on so i was thinking id be good! it felt SO good to walk in the rain...it was kinda cool outside and overcast (almost felt like i was in seattle!) but as soon as i turned the corner from robinson street it started POURING!!! not just a lot of little rain drops but a TON of HUGE rain drops! after literally 4 seconds it looked like i had dove into a pool with all my clothes on! i could do nothing but laugh! i just got the giggles for the next couple blocks! Its like god knew i needed a little break-and as i got to school i couldnt help but think of that song "hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" sometimes i forget how blessed i am...as corny as it sounds, it was just a nice reminder...
p.s. for those of you that were worried about me being SOPPING wet, no worries-i had some extra clothes in my back pack and got a hold of a friend on campus! i changed in her room and left my stuff to dry!
p.p.s only 3 links in my count down chain for my visitors coming friday!!! ( my dad and uncle mark!!! lol-you guys are gettin me through this week!)
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