how do you know?

i have a million bajillion things swirling around my head right now so i apologize if the next few sentances, paragraphs or even blogs are confusing and jumpy! i am home now and yes i was right, it is weird! haha! there are so many things i could write about since i've been home...comparisons,realizations,conversations, feelings etc...but im limiting myself to 2 things tonight!
first...a conversation which lead to a realization, lol! member that 10th grade english teacher who i greatly admire that i wrote about on thanksgiving?!? well, when i got home i had to seek her out, she is an kindred spirit and i was dying to feel understood! She owns a little boutique now so i popped in to say hi and ended up staying for awhile! she invited me in the back and began asking some questions about my trip and how i was feeling now etc...i mentioned that i was a bit overwhelmed, and kinda confused on what the next step in my life should look like but i also mentioned that when i asked myself those kinda questions in the south i always thought of her because a specific quote from jane eyre that she made us read always came to mind...
"Still indomitable was the reply -- "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad -- as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth -- so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane -- quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot." (for those of you who havent read it, it prob wont make a whole lot of sense, lol)
but she said, "kate, remember in Jane Eyre how she had 5 main stations in her life...stations for change and transformation?" she continued..."and at each station as the reader learns something new about her, she learns something new about herself as well? well maybe jackson mississippi is one of your stations...and maybe you have a few more to go!"
after hearing this i almost starting crying...partly because i look up to Jane as if she was a real being (weird i know!) and so to compare her life to mine felt like a compliment, haha! but secondly because it was one of those moments where everything all the sudden made sense..but more than making logical sense, it gave me this feeling of hope, like im on track, like im not crazy!
but do you see now why i love this teacher! how many people do you know that can calm hearts and make sense of lifes mysteries by relating it jane eyre?!? haha....this woman is gifted i tell you!

but ok...2nd thing! tonight me and my mom went to see "how do you know" its actually pretty funny, i recommend it! anyway, so there is a part of the movie where reese witherspoons character goes to see a counselor/therapist and she ends up not wanting to stay and share about her problems, but instead asks something along the lines "over your course of work have you learned something general that applies to almost everyone in any circumstance?" i started to laugh when she asked this because i expected him to say no! it seems like his job is based on the uniqueness of each person, but he says "yes....find out what you want and learn how to ask for it!" she walks away then comes back and says "both of those are really hard" haha! and as i sat there and thought about it i thought about how true that was but i also felt a connection with the counselor character. i feel like since i'v been home i'v been asked the same question hundreds of times, "what did you learn?" and its a GREAT question, but when i hear it i wanna say "well i learned 27 million things, is there something specific you wanna hear about?" haha! it almost feels like i'd be belittling the experience if i said i made 1 main realization....but the truth is more that i think about it, the more i think, ya, maybe i do have 1 main thing! and it  is this...people are more the same than you think! i am not trying to take away from the beauty and uniqueness  in each individual person but i think growing up i thought people were different and places where the same but now i think i may have flipped it and people are more the same and places are different. and there is a whole lot of rhyme for my reason but basically after meeting people of different cultures, religions, backgrounds, regions etc...for as many differences i could point out, seen and unseen, i could point out that many more similiarities. and for some you may find it a dull realization, but it is one that gives me hope...it makes me feel connected to everyone....
im not looking for confirmation or agreement in my realization...im just putting the thought out there for those who have either asked the question or for those who are wondering "what i learned"

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

My mom gave me this prayer a few years back, i keep it above my bed so that i can read it daily! [excpet i left it at home:( ] lately i have been trying to figure out why did i come here? why am i leaving? what do i do when i get home? did i do things right here? did i use my time, resources wisely? etc... and its been overwhelming! but today i rememered the prayer, looked it up and it was EXACTLY what i needed to read!  i have to remember that this is only a small part of my road and i may not be able to see as far ahead as i would like! but i love that part that says "the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. " all i can hope is that i do have that desire in all that im doing and that it is the driving force behind all my actions!
update: this is my last full day in mississippi, im trying to fit everyone in for goodbye's and as much as i want to hug everyone and say goodbye part of me wants to crawl back in bed and go to sleep so i can just wake up and leave...hate goodbye's! but i'v also been getting texts and calls from people back home and it reminds me that i have the coolest, most amazing community around me and as hard as it is to leave, nothing compares to what i have at home! i was going to stop blogging the day i left but there are just too many things im left to process and i think i will learn and realize even more when im able to go home and compare...so im not signin off yet...the learning continues! haha

gotta get my act together!!!

well its reached that point...where i get so overwhelmed that i cry for no apparent reason, lol! I was working at the library yesterday and started crying, on a walk this morning i shed a few tears and now im at home...CRYING, lol! (the good news is it usualy leads to laughter! so dont be too concerned, haha) I am trying to mentally and emotional prepare myself to leave here and come home! I was talking to a friend and he said that as hard as culture shock is, reverse culture shock is worse! (i believe he is right!) i have to realize that not only have i changed while i'v been away that people and circumstances have changed back home. and so if i am frustrated with being "misunderstood" when i get home i have to realize that people are probably a little frustrated with me! Its all a process and im workin on it day by day...but most of the transition is something i have to wait to experience, i can't really process it before it happens.
Anyways, so 4 more days til i leave...AHHHH, it feels so weird to be able to count the number of days on one hand!

LOCKED IN!

today i went to the library...yes i realize it is saturday! haha! i was feeling productive and thought i'd get a jump start on my final papers and what not! I went to the third floor, there is this quiet little corner that no one goes to (that i've deemed "mine"). When i go to sit down there are 2 students talking 3 or 4 tables a in front of me. The guy said "why dont you come sit with us?" i said i had to knock a paper out real fast but appreciated the offer..he said (jokingly), "fine, if you're too good for us..." so i got up laughing "its not like that..but let me prove it to ya!" so i sat down and was immediately bombarded with questions! I dont know if the two were dating or just friends, but they were hilarious! We talked about seattle and mississippi, school and stuff. When i told them i was living at the Perkins Center we started talking about that which lead to talking about christianity and how religion changes from person to person but also from region to region. Then all the sudden the lights went out. The guy walked into the hall to see if anyone was there...the whole building was empty! It was 5 o clock, but usually the library is open late and even so, they will announce when it is closing over the intercom. So we packed up and went downstairs...the doors were locked and we were locked in! We started crackin up...i thought about going back up to finish my paper, figured there was no difference to be locked in at 5 than lockin in a couple hours later when i finished! Luckily another student passed by outside and it was all sorted out and we walked out a couple mins later! and now im sitting in the girls dorm working on my paper thinking about how funny life is!
The first thing i thought was...god must not want me to study! i try to go study but first im interrupted by people then the library shuts down! but then i realized that wasnt the message god was trying to relay to me tonight! haha! i realized how intentional god is! locking us in to create an environment for laughter and sharing! We may not be best friends-and we may not even keep in touch, but hearing their views tonight further expanded my understanding of people and made me realize that i shouldnt be too busy to take the opportunity to speak with people. (i realize that its conveniant that i gave up school work to chat, haha, but i think i also need to work on taking the time to talk to people even if that means cuttng something that i enjoy short!)
just a short little tid bit on my day!
Today also marks the 1 week count down til i return! really sad to leave here...but SO SO SO excited to see family/friends!!!

thanksgiving, shhmanksgiving

this year's thanksgiving was interesting! for starters instead of the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls, cranberry sauce etc...i had taco salad and some fruit snacks! (it was actually quite tastey) and instead of going around the table and saying something or someone we're most thankful for, me and my housemate had a movie marathon (oceans 11, 12, and 13!) However, the overall feel of the day remained! i recieved countless texts from friends near and far wishing a happy thanksgiving! family memebers called to check in and wish me the same! and all day i was in a very reflective mood about what it is that i am most thankful for! Here is the thing...there are give-ins! First and foremost, my family! Second, friends. Third, my ability to breathe, to walk, to taste, to run...my health! Fourth, that i have the freedom to live my own life, whether through encouragement from my family/friends or permission from the government!haha! and the list goes on...but for some reason what has been on my heart and mind all day are my teachers! i have not had very many throughout my whole k-12 education that i didnt like and even the ones that i didnt see eye to eye with, i appreciated! im not gonna give names...but because i couldnt share at the table today, im going to share now!
i am most appreciative of: my kindergarten teacher who encouraged me to just have fun and use my imagination! my second grade teacher who not only gave me a love of reading but was the first teacher i looked up to as a human being! one of the kindest most caring people that i'v met! my fourth grade teacher who introduced me to poetry and creative writing! my 6th grade teachers...both of whom turned out to be more like mentors! my 7th grade science teacher who not only gave me an appreciation for th sciences but who taught me a valuable lesson about embracing different cultures! my 8th grade history teacher for being one of the only classes i NEVER wanted to miss, one of the most extrordinary women iv met! my 11th grade math teacher for being the first person to explain math in a way i understood and for making me feel that i was listening to comedy stand up every class period! my 9th grade digitools teacher...what i actually thank him for isnt his teaching ability (although i loved his class) i thank him for the leadership role in my brother and friends life (as a baketball coach) i dont really know why he had such a profound impact but i think when you see the people you love respond, it causes you to respond as well! my senior english teacher or being one of the most gentle spirits i have EVER met and for helping me work through my weak areas in writing! my 12th grade physics teacher for one, being just an all around kind man, but for encouraging me to ask questions and experiment! my band teacher from 5th grade on...never have a met a teacher who earned more trust from students! and lastly, my 10th grade english teacher...for intriguing me not only with the course material but with herself! for foscusing on my strengths while still working on my weak areas! for making the nightly reading assignments turn into lively discussion and debate the next morning. For making every lesson we learned apply to the world outside the classroom! and when i needed it, for giving me grace and support!

so overall...today wasn't too bad because i was accompanied by the thoughts and thankfulness for not only all of these teachers but for the hundreds of other people in my life that love and support me and that continue to be present in my life! i wish i could say that the things i choose to do are soley based on myself and my own strength....but part of it is because for all the things i'v learned and that have been poured into me, i feel it would be a waste to not use it! in a sense then i do it out of obligation, expectation and accountability! thank you all for pushing me to explore, to ask questions, take risks, be creative, to be smart,logical and safe and yet accept life's mystery and run with it!

happy thanksgiving!

TALKS...

"TALKS" is a program i am involved in for community service...i have no idea why i havent written about it yet but i have some time on my hands this week with it being break so in thought id take a moment to write! Talks is short for "talks my mother never had with me" (or for the fellas-talks my father never had with me). They have placed me with 1 high achieving student, 1 moderately achieving student and 1 low achieving student (i dont now which is which) and we go through a curriculum together, once a  week!
Other than talking about the importance of family, friends, school, integrity etc..we are encouraged to go through important life skills that are seemingly by-passed these days. Things like how to shake someone's hand and look them in the eye, how to sit up straight, etc...It has been so much fun! my girls are in 5th grade and they are hilarious! It is interesting (and sometimes sad to me) that what they accept as "normal" and acceptable often i find unacceptable and unfair...i have learned tho that i cannot change their circumstances and even if i could there are hundreds of other kids in the school that have the same mind-set! Its not even that i pity them or think they're way of life is wrong or worse than mine...i just wish they had the opportunity to look at it from the outside in, like i do! just to give a little taste of how one of our sessions goes...
last week we did a chapter on family...so the first question i asked was "how many people are in your family"
instantly the girls starting counting their fingers...i got answers like 17, 13, 19...they had counted cousins and aunts etc...i said....what about your immediate family? every girl started her answer with "my mom has 'x' amount of kids" and after each girl went i just bluntly asked "why did you all say "my mom?" they said, "well cuz my dad has kids too!"It made me curious as to how the rest of the kids in the school would have answered!
anyways, when they asked me i said, "i have one brother and one sister" they were a little bewildered at the simplicity of my answer!
part of me was bewildered and caught off guard by their answers tho too...and as much as i try not to feel sorry for them sometimes i do (if im being completely honest)...i cant help it! i guess when i say that i feel sorry for them it is assumed that i think my way, my up-bringing is the better way...thats not it! its more that im upset and disgusted with the part of life where we dont get to choose! i hate that life is unfair...

and YET, it makes us who we are! the girls in my group are who they are because of how they were brought up and the environment they were brought up in...and what i have realized is im quick to point out what needs to change..what is unjust or unfair...when there are a lot of things that need to be admired! like when the girls first answered the family question by counting extended family..what a cool frame of mind to instantly count your extended family..your cousins, aunts, grandparents in as your family! here i have the learned the importance of blood...whether you have common ground or not, you do anything for family!

im sorry if this blog was just a big blob of words...this would be an example of me processing as im writing...i thought about waiting to revise it but with respect to my last couple of blogs and being honest, open and vulnerable i am going to keep it 'as is'!

emotional rollercoaster!!!

Im gearin up for finals week...its weird that its comin so fast! As i think about leaving i become schizophrenic!!! i want to jump for joy but then i want to cry! i have fallen in love with some of the characteristics, places, traditions, and people here! I think its more than just leaving those things and people here...its comin home and trying to get back into the swing of things! how do you do that when you've had a life altering, view changing, heart wrenching experience! How do you encorporate what you've learned and how you've grown into your every day life when no one around you knows or understands the process of how you got there?
and perhaps i dont have to encorporate anything...maybe god brought me here simply to just witness and see it! (i think sometimes i over analyze situations but often i feel that if i become involved in something or my heart is attached to something that i have to do something, i have to act....) and of course it will sometimes subconciously form how i think or process certain situations, but maybe i dont have to DO anything with this experience other than be a part of it!
If you think about it, pray that i can prepare my heart for the transition-for leaving people i love here but then for coming back to people i love back home! and pray that i dont think about it too much these next couple of weeks...its still about 3 weeks out, i dont need to get emotional yet! haha! pray that i continue to be involved with the campus, the house and the community and not allow me leaving soon to discourage or dishearten me!

Mystery and Manners

So Mark left me with a book, "Mystery and Manners" by Flannery O'Connor and not only do i love it for filling up some of my free time, i LOVE what it says! (reminds me that you dont gotta go very far to learn somethin) Anyways, i'v been encouraged (by mark and my dad, but also by others) to write what i see as im here in mississippi (for those that dont know, i have started writing a book). So i have been trying to do just that! As i sat and read from O'Connors book today, i felt she was encouraging me to do the same. First i read a passage where she is actually writing about another author. He said, "if i write about a hill that is rotting, it is because i despise rot'. the general accusation passed against writers now is that they write about rot because they love it. Some do, and their works may betray them, but it is impossible not to believe that some write about rot because they see it and recognize it for what it is." Later in the chapter she writes "My own feeling is that writers who see by the light of their christain faith will have, in these times,the sharpest eyes for the grotesque, for the perverse and for the unacceptable..."
I guess thats what im working on right now...writing and labeling things for what they are! A lot of times i may not necessarily have the 'right' to speak those ideas, but im allowed to write them down and process them in that way! I asked a friend what he thought that last quote meant...he described it literally but then said...its like when you love something so much you hate it! and i think thats exactly what has happened here. I have fallen in love with the culture, the land, the tradition, the people etc...but often the things i observe are perverse and unacceptable! And perhaps that is why i fell in love with it in the first place. but i love it so much that i hate it...i hate the cycle of poverty, i hate the reality of resources (or a lack there of), i hate that they have people like me comin in to observe but who dont really do any good!
What i have learned that i can do however, is continue to write! To write things how i see them, or for what they truely are! another quote: "when you can assume your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not then you have to make your vision apparent by shock-to the hard of hearing you shsout, and for the almost blind you draw large and startling figures"
as i continue to write my book (if i can call it that, haha) i pray that i find balance in sensoring my words but in speaking truth and saying what i want to say in order to illustrate the things that some people dont get to witness.

some pics from our adventures...

Pat O'Briens-home of the hurricane and now a bunch of good memories

me and bartender barry....one of those classic stories

all good things come to an end...

so im sitting here reflecting on the last couple of days (and to be honest, im shedding a few tears) but they arent all sad...i am just SO happy that i got the chance to see some family over the weekend! Not only was it a few of the funnest days i'v had for awhile...it was some of the most profound! I'v mentioned that i value being known and knowing others and thats exactly what this weekend was for me...a time to be known! It was FULL of laughter and good conversation! And i didnt feel that i had to explain myself all that much...my dad (and mark) get me so well that most of what i was saying or stuff that they would say to me was assumed, which to me are rare type of relationship!

anyways,When they got here friday we started with a trip around their old stompin grounds...heard some great stories! then they toured the school with me, which was so fun for me to share some of what iv been experiencing with them, they got to see and get a feel for my daily surroundings and environment, meet some of my friends etc...then (after driving around for hours, lol) we got some drinks at a hotel downtown and then grabbed some of hte best bbq iv ever had at E & L's!!!
We got up saturday mornin and grabbed some starbucks, (praise god!) then drove to Nawlins! chowed down on some beneighs in the french quarter then walked around and admired some of the artwork! It was a perfect day, sunny but kinda cool! Then i had my first Hurricane-which just about sent me over the edge! we spent a good 2 hours at patty o'briens and i dont think i was quite drunk, but i was definately not sober, haha...it was a great time tho! Then we left to grab some grub-ended up in a little whole in the wall bar-we were the only people that were there...the bartender (barry) ended up sittin with us for most of the meal! by the end of the night we were takin shots together and takin pictures! Then we went back to bourbon street for some live music at "open door" it was amazing music! Part of my favorite entertainment tho was watching my dad and mark "jam" with the band...they were a little loose if ysa kno what i mean! haha
Sunday after we all recovered,haha, got to sit down for lunch with dr. john perkins-heard some profound things! then another starbucks run with the oldies-which actually we got a great hour or so in, talkin about my experience thus far processing what has been happening and talking about the goals, vision etc for the future! and now they're gone and i cant help but cry because, well one, im a crier, lol and 2 because not only is some of the fun over, but those people, who are people i feel known by, comfortable with, secure in, people i can be vulnerable with are gone! no they arent dying and yes i will see them soon, but it was such a relief to be with them this weekend and not have to think! we had some great conversations but i didnt really have to process anything or make any big decisions! lately i have just felt mentally and emotionally drained and having them here this weekend allowed me to just let go for a couple of days!
Feel like got a little breathe of life breathed back into me and now i can finish the semester strong with faith and confidence in what i am doing! forever grateful for the lessons learned this weekend...but more than wisdom and great advice...i thank you, mark and dad for simply loving me enough to show up and be present when i needed it most!

grace like rain...

so this morning when i got up for class i was in a sort of solomn, reflective mood. We had a house meeting last night and a lot of issues were addressed so i was thinking about that and also recently have just been trying to think about the goals i have or want to set before i leave because im realizing just how close that day is from now (6 weeks i think?!?) i dont think its bad to be reflective or serious, but i have been a little too caught up in that kind of stuff that sometimes i forget to just enjoy what is around me!
So ANYWAYS, i walked out of the house and it was sprinkling rain, but i had my northface on so i was thinking id be good! it felt SO good to walk in the rain...it was kinda cool outside and overcast (almost felt like i was in seattle!) but as soon as i turned the corner from robinson street it started POURING!!! not just a lot of little rain drops but a TON of HUGE rain drops! after literally 4 seconds it looked like i had dove into a pool with all my clothes on! i could do nothing but laugh! i just got the giggles for the next couple blocks! Its like god knew i needed a little break-and as i got to school i couldnt help but think of that song "hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" sometimes i forget how blessed i am...as corny as it sounds, it was just a nice reminder...

p.s. for those of you that were worried about me being SOPPING wet, no worries-i had some extra clothes in my back pack and got a hold of a friend on campus! i changed in her room and left my stuff to dry!

p.p.s only 3 links in my count down chain for my visitors coming friday!!! ( my dad and uncle mark!!! lol-you guys are gettin me through this week!)

its ok to look stupid...sometimes

Today i had to walk to walgreens, so i asked my roommate if she wanted to come with..she said she wanted to run tho...so naturally i suggested DA-NOGGING (which is dancing and jogging) lol! we both brought our i-pods, played different songs, so we were dancing to different beats! (im sure we looked absolutely ridiculous) sometimes we'd stop and jerk...then we'd dougie..and at times we'de stop and she would try and teach me the Mo'Head swag (i feel like im pretty good rhythmically but for some reason just cannot learn this dance, lol!) anyways...what i realized while doing this was it was the first time i felt stupid BY CHOICE since i'v been here...and thats a completely different feeling than feeling stupid when you walk into a room and everyone stares or open your mouth and say the wrong thing...and i gotta say it felt so good to laugh at myself! so maybe da-nogging will be a weekly thing!
thats all for today, just a random tid-bit i wanted to share! love to you all...

The audience...almost as entertaining as the performers

anytime a song comes on people get up and start doin their "struts"...

more of that famous Mo'Head swag!!!

STEP SHOW!!!

These are the Sigmas, my personal favorites of the night! just wanted to give ya a little taste....

MO'HEAD SWAG!!!

this is the most RIDICULOUS dance i have ever seen, but EVERY ONE here does it! (this guy right here is the best!) im workin on it so i can bring it back to the tac, lol!

SO anyways, this would be an example of a "hot spot" on campus! and its homecoming week so its extra crazy! people and alum come from all over to support their sororities or fraternities and there are things scheduled all week! This hot spot lasted a couple hours!

im in a little bit of a funk right now...heres the story...

last week i was walking home from the gym...it wasnt dark yet, but it was gettin there. A nice blue car rolled past me, after passing me it turned around and came up behind me. At first i thought...just keep walkin! but then the window rolled down and a heard a mans voice say "you good?" ("you need a ride?") i said, ya im alright, thanks tho! he said, alright i was just checkin, i'v seen you on campus, dont want ya to get snatched up! i kinda snickered and said...well if i got in a car with you you could snatch me up! he laughed and said "i feel you, its not like that tho...i see you talkin to lil joe everyday, you seem like a good person, just thought you could use a ride!" ...so i said, well i appreciate the offer, i kinda like walkin anyways! he said, alright, well take it easy...let me kno if you ever got problems on campus! i said "sure will, preciate it!" he drove off, i thought nothin about it!
2 nights later i went to the football game then out with some girls afterwards! lil joe was at the club, so you aready know i spent some good quality time talkin to him!haha! and while i was talkin to him, i look up and there was the guy with the blue car...and we just looked at eachother, it wasnt an awkward stare and it wasnt a sexual thing...it was weird tho, he looked at me for a good 5-10seconds, then looked at joe, then back at me...then smiled! i kinda laughed then went back to my conversation with joe! on my end it just felt affirming, like he wa supporting me, even if just in that moment...because most people were prob wondering, why did she come to the club to talk to lil joe?! i dunno, i really cant explain it, and maybe im making it all up in my head because i want it to mean something.
 But today i found out that a student from jsu passed away...(and im not gonna give his name) but it was him!  I dont think that i could have done anything to stop it, but for some reason im feelin really sick about it! i think part of it is because i labeled him the second i saw him...i assumed he pulled over with motivations other than pure kindness. and i think he could sense that...i think most people can! so i am thankful to him for reminding me to put faith in people..and not only when i feel they "deserve" it, but simply because they are alive on this earth with me. It is also just a reminder to live life to the fullest, i think its easy for me to get caught up in outcomes, consequences or just my own thought process when whats really important is that i engage in whats in front of me.
anyways,  if you think about it, say  alittle prayer for his family and friends!

"so i never actually am alone, i just aways feel alone..."

i was walkin around campus today...and i kept playin "fear" by drake on my i-pod...it has seemed to capture my mood lately...today has been one of those days iv felt completely overwhelmed by people and yet never felt more alone! Walkin down the plaza i had at least 30 people say hey or come up to talk and after each one walked away i wanted to punch them, haha! ok, maybe not punch them....but i kinda wanted to scream! because NOT one single person had a genuine conversation with me! im feeling very much like sometimes the only reason people stop and talk is to be seen talking to me...i am the token white girl on campus! and i dont mind wavin and sayin hey and i LOVE meetin new people but it gets old...its one of those things that when you feel you're continually pouring out you want to be poured into! All that to say, this experience has made me appreciate community on a whole new level!
i LOVE to be known and to really know other people and i dont feel as if i truly know a single person here or vice versa...and when i think about home i can ONLY think of a community that has surrounded and supported me and who really knows me!  and i guess that plays into this lonely feeling...not only that im without you all, but that im frustrated with myself that i havent met or made a friend like that with someone here!
but while im all sentimental and vulnerable i really would just like to take a min to thank you...my community and support group-friends, family, church members, mentors, teachers who get me and who root for me! the only thing i have to lean on sometimes when i "feel" alone is the facts...that i am most certainly NOT alone! thank you for the continued support and prayers...

JSU> S-who?

This was a huge game! the most packed iv seen the stadium! We played Southern-won by 2 after scoring a touchdon with 9 seconds on the clock! Southern is also a HBCU so both bands performed at half time...of course ours was better, haha, but both were very entertaining...southern played "sexual healing" as one of their main songs, so the whole crowd had to join along! This game decided who is going to the SWAC championship...so it looks like we have a couple road trips comin up!

p.s. notice at the end of this song they wave yellow flags-thats one of southern's colors! the band always finds a way to call out the other team-kinda funny to look for...

howdy neighbor!

today on my way home from class i passed a woman...a woman i pass almost everyday, sometimes more than once a day. She is almost always getting in or out of her car or sitting on her steps...but it makes me wonder,  "where is this woman going?" haha! Anyways...i usually pass with a wave and a "how ya doin?" or "afternoon!" but i must have been in a chatty mood because when she answered "fine" today i went up to her and said "ya know what, i never got your name" and this opened up the door for a 30 minute conversation with one of the nicest, wisest women i'v met! She is an older woman, so she lived through and seen some pretty cool things and therefore had some interesting insights for me! It was just so refreshing to talk with her because she was so honest...but a vulnerable honest, not a blunt, rude honest...which i really admired! anyway...so now do i not only feel wiser, i feel safer...gettin the know the community i live in makes me feel like they might have my back! haha

NICKNAMES!

today as i walked down the plaza i couldnt help but laugh because although most people now know me as "katie" i have a few nicknames that i thought i would share! There's snow bunny, seattle, katie perry, white chocolate, washington and snow white! its never an offensive thing, its usually people i have in my classes, but i always appreciate hearin somethin orignal, so ill keep ya posted if there are any other good ones that come up!

not a whole lot has been happening since the last time i wrote! have had some mid-terms that, thus far, i feel really good about! had my stats midterm today and i finished in a whopping 13mins...and for those of you that know me you know i am not only not particularly fond of mathematics, but i also SUCK at it! so you can imagine my excitement wehn i understood every question on the test!

i feel like slowly the whole "time" thing here is changing my habits...and i dont necesarily like it! i find that i am not as prompt when replying to texts, e-mails,phone calls! i get to class late more often than at the beginning of the year, i leave my phone at home sometimes during class...and im allowed to say this because its what people here call it..."colored people (CP) time" has begin to run in  my veins! i feel like i have always been a little like this...my mom says i get it from my dad...is it a coincidence that he also spent time in jackson? haha, just sayin! but its def gotten worse since i'v been here!

been kinda sick these past coupld of days...so i apologize, i have not been good about being in contact with anyone back home...so if you think of it, say alittle prayer for health!

this was directed towards the opponents BAND! lol, im tellin you, i dont think people even watch the game..

apology...

for those of you that saw my last blog, i would like to apologize...not until today did i realize some of the things i posted could be interpretted negatively. Was not my intention, but if you were in any way offended forgive me. This type of thing, however, is the exact type of thing im learning down here on a daily basis...that with color, culture, and history comes  a heightened passion and emotion and certain things can be hurtful.
I am learning the power of words! i consider myself a writer, and as such i feel i have always known the importance of words on paper...but here god's wrestlin with me on spoken words! I have said the wrong thing multiple times...people look at me like im stupid, there is a deathly silence...i apologize and explain my ignorance and we move on...however, i feel that sometimes their hearts are very hurt and my apology doesnt erase the wrong of my tongue. It is for that reason, and this is prob the best advice i'v gotten since i'v been here, i have been told to "be slow to respond, be slow to defend, be slow to speak and let my simple actions be loud" (learning this is harder said then done).
Again, i apologize for the last blog...appreciate those of you that know me enough to know my intentions with what i was saying, but to still point out where i was being ignorant. (like i said, not a new phenomena down here)
quick update: just finished my 5th week of school-got some mid-terms next week! im not the next d. wade, haha, but i'v been playin basketball almost everyday-at least gettin up some shots...its actually been a time where i do most of my processing, so its been kinda a blessing. weathers finally coolin down...still hot most days, but less humid and it cools down and gets kinda breezy at night! counted the contacts in my phone from people at jsu...47! feel like im meetin cool people left and right! i FINALLY got a chance to give blood but in WA i never could cause of diabetes, and it has nothing to do with hte quality of my blood, they worry about my health during the process-so i just didnt tell them i was diabetic, lol, and they didnt ask! OH and i went to WAFFLE HOUSE for the first time last night...(experienced it in cali this summer too) and still dont get the "chicken and waffle" combo, haha...thats all...still just livin the dream, haha!

ME and LIL JOE!!!

always wearin jsu colors!!!

ohhhh....so thats what it feels like

last night was the first time that hatred/misunderstanding of me was acted out...im sure there are plenty of people here that wonder why im here or that dont like me simply because of the color of my skin, but no one has said it or acted in a way that would let me know. Last night however, i went out to a club with some girls after the football game. Its delta week, one of the girls in the house is a delta so we've been busy with events and they were holdin somethin after the game...
Anyways, i went and yes i was the only white person there but i didnt feel that i stuck out all that much until a man asked me to dance...i kindly declined...then he tried to grab me and i threw his hand to the side and turned to walk away...next thing i know he is pouring his beer on my head!!! half of me was mad and half of me wanted to laugh(i hear beer is good for your hair!!! haha)...and i guess a little part of me wanted to cry! The girls i was with were just as upset as i was...i was thankful they had my back...but heres the interesting thingg....one of em said "he knows better than to do that to a black woman" and i thought he should kno better than to do it to ANYONE!
but everything here is a race thing and i know im not gonna change the world while im here but a good discussion came out of it with the girls and i guess thats all i wish while im here; to talk about the tough stuff that no one wants to say! Now mom, dad, grandpa, grandma...whoever read this and got nervous or scared for me, that's not why i wrote this...i am not any more afraid or scared as i was before this happened. If anything i feel enlightened...just wanted to share the experience!

Delta pageant...Mr. Esquire

i cant load the video for some reason:( but the pageant was fun/funny! there were 8 contestants...there was an opening dance, formal wear, question and answer, "male physique"-no this wasnt swim wear or boxers, haha, each person was assigned a sport and they had to dress the part! and lastly there was a talent portion. Some of the guys that were in it are involved in R.U.F so it was fun to see them! At intermission the dance ensemble performed and that was actually probably my favorite part! i'll continue to try and get some videos up because i feel like the best way to tell you guys what im experiencing is to show you!

Me, Shalonda and Jasmine at the Mr. Esquire pageant!!!

picnic cont..

delta picnic

when i was talked into coming to this little did i know that it was a female affair! which is great, im all for sisterly bonding but it has taken a little longer for the women down here to warm up to me...so i walked up with my other roommate, shalonda, and we were gettin the evil eye from some folks! luckily jasmine came running up and hugged me and introduced me to everyone as her roommate, which turned some of the frowns upside down, haha! it was SO fun to watch the girls...the sisterhood means so much to them and they really enjoy eachother! It was just unlike anything i had ever seen tho! all females, loud music and dancing to EVERY song! but not everyone could dance...if you noticed, the dances are choreographed so only the line sisters know the moves! i was however dragged onto the dance floor for the electric slide! haha

INHALE...

FINALLY, i can breathe! (im not talkin about the heat...its still too hot!) but i can walk around campus and not feel like a complete outsider...it seems to have happened almost overnight. Yesterday and today someone has stopped me in the hallways or in class just to talk. And on the plaza people have started yellin out "katie!" instead of "Yo white girl!" I think part of it is the campus and students embracing me and partly me starting to embrace them and having my spirit be at peace with my surroundings and circumstances! i met with the "pastor" for R.U.F this morning and that was also just SO helpful...he is a peice of home for me! he had a lot of encouraging things to say and a lot of good insights for me so im feeling very uplifted! doesnt mean i dont have my weak moments or times whrn i feel lonely, depressed etc...right now iv been especially sad because zach gets home in 2 days and i wont be there...iv been missin the whole family (friends, that includes you!) but z...you've been in my heart these last couple of weeks, wish i could be there when you get home! im just tryin to keep busy tho, tryin to just get my foot in the door of a lot of things, just to experience and see new stuff, so i have some videos and pics to put up of the last coupel of events i'v been to...ill put em up soon, pretty funny! love to you all!

this "bug" more like a miniature dinasour landed on our car today...what the heck!!!

a little peice of home...

me and kelley(one of the house managers) went on a little date today and went through downtown jackson! we stopped at a light and i look to my right and there it is...a reminder that home is never that far away!

 It is kinda funny tho because this is right after the train tracks and it seems like once you cross the tracks you enter a whole different world...downtown is the business district, more upscale (one of the guys compared it to seattles "nordstroms feel" haha! ) and on the other side, where i live, is still in its development stages!

just a little observation i thought i might throw out there! haha!

R.U.F...just a little taste

HALLELUJAH!!!

some of the crew!

john, me, mike, and kebia!

Lunch in the student union...i am prob here more often than class...not necessarily by choice! haha

school or no school...that is the question!

SO today at school 3 of my 4 classes were canceled! health class we got there and there was a note on the door (which i was bummed about....today if we brought a banana and showed the class how to put a condom on we got extra credit points, haha...i had no idea schools actually did that!) Biology the door was locked and the person who had the key couldnt be contacted. and my art class the teacher just didnt show up. so i dont know if you can sense it, but there is not a huge sense of urgency here...which in some ways is a breath of fresh air but in other ways can be frustrating! i got up at 8 and stayed on campus til 3 when really the only class i had was from 12-12:50:( but i guess its somethin that keeps me guessin, keeps me on my toes!)
I have met some special friends on campus as well...lil joe (ill try and get a pic one of these days) is on campus a few days outta the week passin out fliers or what not...he is an african american man, prob close to 4 ft.tall and has some sort of mental disability, but is the nicest man! today we talked about all the bills he had to pay...he had them right in his pocket, so of course i got to see them! haha! and i'v managed to become friends with one of the campus police men, david, every once in awhile we sit down and have a nice long convo...not necesarily by choice, but he seems like a lonely man and he's had some cool experiences with traveling being in the army so i listen! and i also get a chance to talk to the football coaches...in fact i got an offer to come coach the boys one day(long story short: after their first game one of the coaches asked my opinion, and i gave it to him...made a few suggestions and what not...haha,so he told me to come by practice one day) i declined the offer but thought it was funny! i hope to get pictures of the campus and some of my friends up soon...r.u.f and church stuff-want ya'all to see it! until next time...

Ok, im ready for this heat to be gone! the last couple of days iv had to take 3 showers a day...COLD showers, i have yet to turn on the hot water! Third week of classes just ended- i can tell this semester is gonna FLY by so fast!
If you've talked to me recently, you know i'v been havin a rough time...not with anything specific, but i think just the perspectives and the beliefs of people down here (for the majority) are just different! And i obviously already stand out visually, but then to feel out of place in the way i think and feel about certain things is a whole nother experience. That said, i think thats why im down here...i was interested in meeting new people, seeing new things and broadening my horizons and thats what im doing! sometimes that doesnt necessarily make it any easier! but god has constantly been finding ways to keep me encouraged! someone will say something, a friend from back home will call or text, ill get an e-mail from my mom, or a letter from my dad,or a call from my brother! (called from prague the other day!!!) or ill hear somethin at church or bible study that just hits home! an extra little gift has been  the speaker for R.U.F, he is home for me! i dont know what it is, but i am so thankful for it! haha! so i dont doubt that gods in this with me and im not doin this alone...but if ya'all think about it, leep me in your thoughts/prayers!
There are not a ton of new developments...classes are pretty easy, the community is still awesome (dont know how my time here would be if i wasnt livin in the perkins center!), i may be helping lead worship at r.u.f starting next week, we have a leadership retreat next weekend, so ill be sure to update ya'all on that, i may or may not have volunteered myself to be in a play, HAHA...i think thats it tho!
still learnin tons and tons...in fact im thinkin about carrying a journal around with me and writing down all the things i learn on a daily basis...the big picture things but also the little things, like yesterday i learned what a "shotgun" house was (yes, i was the only person in class that needed clarifying! haha) so be on the lookout for a publishing party in the near future! haha

me, Kari (left) and Latasha (right)!!!

hangin after a house meeting...you cant really see it but the right corner of the picture is a box full of hair supplies, oils, teas (yes, apparently they put tea in their hair!) etc...funny enough, they didnt understand why i put baby powder in my hair sometimes...so we're all in the same boat! haha

The Sonic Boom!

i just attended my first JSU football game! (we WON 32-17) It was a whole different ball game from what im used to! first of all the stadium itself is about 1/8th the size of husky stadium. Second, the game started and i didnt even notice because everyone's attention was on the BAND(aka: sonic boom of mississippi)!!! I felt like i was in the movie drumline! there were dancers and cheerleaders and the band itself took up as much of the rows as the fans! (ok, thats an overexaggeration...but thats what it felt like) At one point the game had to stop because the band was playing too loud...and the fans began to boo the refs! and the half time show...oh my goodness...so different than the pac 10! I would bet that 90% of the fans were up and dancin! (if you get a chance look up the band, do it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K4c7QXtcZg) Also, all the fraternities sit together, wearin their colors and when the band starts to play, they have dances and steps already made up! It was quite the experience...next games in Memphis, heard its one of the funnest games to go to, so i'll keep ya'all posted!

STOMP the YARD!

i wish i would have gotten pictures or a video for you all but you'll have to take my word for it...stomp the yard is not just a movie...it lives on through the jackson state campus! haha! today there was a "hot spot" on the plaza-which is the main walk way to get to classes-there was a dj and people were "steppin" all over the place! (our equivalent at UW is swing dancing in red square! haha!)
OH...and the first home football game (GO TIGERS!) is this saturday so the campus is husslin and busslin with school spirit! Actually, there is more anticipation to see the band at half time than the football game, haha, so that should be fun to see and experience!
Even in all the excitement tho today was a harder day than normal...i dont know why in particular but today i have just felt the pressure of my "job" here and the goals that i am trying to reach and when i think about that i feel that i am so far from where i want to be that i am feeling a little discouraged! I think overall there is just this feeling that i need to defend myself 24/7 and im just exhausted! which is why i miss home....i def miss each individual but also i miss feeling known and being able to let my guard down! SO that said...i would ask for your prayers! but i would also like to thank you...(it sucks that sometimes you have to be deprived of something to realize what you had...so know that i dont take your love and support for granted!)

SO the first week of classes came and went (slowly) but i survived! it has been very humbling to have to ask for help so often and for such simingly unimportant things! I'v been in my advisors office almost everyday...i ask students, professors, etc...questions all the time "where is this building? how do i get that resource? who do i talk to?" like i said..humbling!
Im also realizing how big the committment iv made really is! the house is  going to be so fun, but there are mandatory meetings,dinners,gatherings etc...one being a weekly bible study with john perkins himself (yay!) but its at 6:30 in the morning..those of you that know me know that that is not a time that i am particularly fond of! haha! We are also required to be involved in community service, so if i cannot get involved in young life during my time here im going to volunteer at the perkins center! i have also become involved in R.U.F here at jackson, its the campus ministry (kinda like the INN for those of you who know it!) which is grrrrrreat and filled with amazing people but i am working on balancing things out so that i dont spread myself too thin....because after all my biggest goal is to be in relationship with the girls down here!

ALL THAT SAID..i want to apologize to everyone..i have not been able to be in touch like i would have hoped...it is not only just because im busy but that i want to be present in whats happening here! i dont want to spend all my time filling others in and processing things that are happening here when i havent neccesarily processed it myself! so please please know that i do love and miss everyone back home a ton and think abot you all often and i will do myself to call or check in from time to time!

HAIR HAIR HAIR

hair is a topic that comes up ALL the time here!!! if im not talkin about it with someone im sittin in class lookin around at all the different hair styles..its amazing, there is like a whole different world of hair i never knew about! so heres what you all have to do, go rent GOOD HAIR, its a documentary that chris rock made and if you watch it you will get a feel for what im livin with here in mississippi! seriously, rent it, you will learn so much!!!

back to school....SO FRICKIN EARLY!

well...mom, dad, you'll be proud, dropped my 8 o clock class cuz even after only 1 day i realized it was gonna be too early for me! haha! it was aerobic dance tho, so im bummed i wont be learnin some sweet dance moves! but i still have 17 hours, which is 6 classes, so i feel like im gonna be stayin busy! classes are fine, the worst part is when i dont have class for an hour or 2 and have to find something to do on campus..it not fun to just sit, espcecially if you dont really know anyone! (i literally got asked twice today "why are you here?" and it wasnt a question outta curiosity, i wold have gladly answered had it been....it was more of a territorial thing,which i totally get...its just not very comforting!) haha! but other than that i see familiar faces throughout the day and feel like im gonna like my classes and professors! i have health, biology,art and a race and ethnicity class mon, wed,fri and then a social problems and a statistics class tue and thur! and grandma, this is specifically for you...i feel VERY VERY safe! no issues yet and the guys in our community are very sweet and protective, always textin us girls and askin if we need rides or walkin us home etc...!!! i have to get up extra early not because im doing extra to get ready for class but because in between showering and blow drying my hair and doin my make-up and eating i have to take little breaks, lye down and turn on my fan...cool off, then get back to gettin ready! haha...it makes me laugh now but i can tell its gonna get old!!! im gonna try and take pics of the school and classes...and the girls i live with, so dont worry they're comin! miss you all!

southern hospitality!

arrived in jackson mississippi yesterday! flew out of seattle at 7-and as i got on the plane (crying, yes) i sat next to a soldier going to iraq so i realized i better suck it up! (funny how god does things like that!) only problem with sitting next to him was he talked the whole 4 hours and i had pulled an all nighter, but ya win some, ya lose some! got into Dallas and switched to a rikkity little jet, wasn't too pleased! for those of you who know me and have heard my family's near fatal plane ride know i HATE flying! but i slept the whole trip! they ended up losing my luggage..so that was really neat, but a girl from the house im living at, Kari, came to pick me up so i was very thankful that i didnt have to cab it! and i dont know how it came up, but her favorite movie is also anne of green gables which in a weird way made me feel right at home! It is very hot here, but its more than hot, its humid and sticky! but they said its been coolin down so im hopin that trend sticks! i got my bags late last night, for those of you who were worried, but my phone is doin funny things and iv lost some numbers, i am workin on gettin that sorted out! walked around campus today and i def stand out (i counted a whoppin 1 other white person! lol) and the time difference is not all that off, but the 2 hours has been kinda weird for me to get used to! saw my first cocroach today (will post pictures!) and yesterday ate catfish for the first time from this little corner store called boston-they say its the best on campus! i liked it! i can tell im gonna gain like 87 lbs while im here! im hopin i just sweat some of it out! haha! im off to go meet with some advisors about classes etc..then gettin to know people at the perkins center! ill try and keep this up-to-date...love you all!