pieces of jackson in Kenya

gosh, so long since i've written anything about jackson, which is weird because its still on my heart daily! its been funny to be here in kenya because in a weird way im continually reminded of my time in jackson...its not always because a situation or circumstance directly ties into something that happened in jackson...its often the way i process certain things or even the way i feel here that i vividly remember feeling in jackson.
the other funny thing about being in kenya is that one of the girls serving here is from jackson! (i know, so random!) unfortunately she just left, our trips only overlapped a few weeks, but while she was here it was so fun to share stories and hear her perspective of living in jackson. And from hearing her stories versus hearing mine, you would never guess we were in the same city, let alone the same state. i had never heard of any of the places she ate or hung out...and vice versa she had never been told about mine. We laughed when i told her she needed to try E&L's BBQ...she asked where it was, i told her, "on bailey" and she said..."im not even allowed on that street." later that night after kinda chuckling to myself about it i thought...how sad! not only is she missing out on the best BBQ in jackson, she just plain hasn't seen some of the cool things jackson has to offer, some of the places with the richest culture and history.
i do not blame or judge her for that...the sad truth is that the parts of jackson i was in were the more dangerous parts and so her and her families reasons are valid...but again, i see this divide between cultures and it makes me so sad. This is some of what i feel in kenya...its that same strong divide and it gives me that "pit-in-my-stomach feeling" that i hate! but it is interesting to be here and realize how much what i saw in jackson still shapes my thought process and is still a huge part of who i am. funny how god continues to use it in my life in various ways and in various places!

new perspective

well its been near a year since i wrote...time flies! but its weird how even in just the last 10 months or so i have gained a whole new perspective, of myself, of people, of the jackson experience, about what im supposed to do next etc..
two examples:
 1. i was certain right when i got back from jackson that i should drop out and start lookin for a job or a place where i could put my new realizations, passions to work! but nowwww, as i have had time to calm myself, i realize what i need is probably the opposite...i need more school!
2. i was readin through old blogs and realized how lonely i felt ...which may have been true at the time, but now as i think about Jackson that is not something that i think about at all! After leaving, the people that really cared about me, and the people i really care about have not only kept in touch, but we've gotten closer. i guess that saying is right...."distance makes the heart grow fonder"
I realize that i wasnt patient enough...4 months is nothin at all and so to expect to make deep connections just in that short time was STUPID, haha! (although, there was def. an exception to this)
But i guess this is only an affirmation that my story with Jackson isn't over...if it's still on my heart after this long i feel like it only makes sense to go back..which is why i just bought  a ticket to visit in january! we'll see whats next...but im excited to go back and see what god has for me there.

Coffee and Cigarettes

the other day i was walking around the UW campus, and when i glanced down i saw empty cigarette cartons and old starbucks cups. i instantly had flashbacks to jackson, where when i would glance down i would see swisher sweet and black n mild wrappers...and the occasional fast food wrapper. and it was just kinda funny, i mean obviously with different regions comes different cultures, traditions, norms etc...but how do they begin and why do they stick?
i guess lately iv just been feeling like i cant quite figure out my experience, but these little flashbacks are reminders that my learnings and lessons from jackson will continue to follow me and find me, in even the little, every day things...
iv been doing a HORRIBLE job at keepin this blog up to date but i cant quite wrap my brain around being back (for good!) so lately it feels like i dont have anything to say...bare with me

how do you know?

i have a million bajillion things swirling around my head right now so i apologize if the next few sentances, paragraphs or even blogs are confusing and jumpy! i am home now and yes i was right, it is weird! haha! there are so many things i could write about since i've been home...comparisons,realizations,conversations, feelings etc...but im limiting myself to 2 things tonight!
first...a conversation which lead to a realization, lol! member that 10th grade english teacher who i greatly admire that i wrote about on thanksgiving?!? well, when i got home i had to seek her out, she is an kindred spirit and i was dying to feel understood! She owns a little boutique now so i popped in to say hi and ended up staying for awhile! she invited me in the back and began asking some questions about my trip and how i was feeling now etc...i mentioned that i was a bit overwhelmed, and kinda confused on what the next step in my life should look like but i also mentioned that when i asked myself those kinda questions in the south i always thought of her because a specific quote from jane eyre that she made us read always came to mind...
"Still indomitable was the reply -- "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad -- as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth -- so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane -- quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot." (for those of you who havent read it, it prob wont make a whole lot of sense, lol)
but she said, "kate, remember in Jane Eyre how she had 5 main stations in her life...stations for change and transformation?" she continued..."and at each station as the reader learns something new about her, she learns something new about herself as well? well maybe jackson mississippi is one of your stations...and maybe you have a few more to go!"
after hearing this i almost starting crying...partly because i look up to Jane as if she was a real being (weird i know!) and so to compare her life to mine felt like a compliment, haha! but secondly because it was one of those moments where everything all the sudden made sense..but more than making logical sense, it gave me this feeling of hope, like im on track, like im not crazy!
but do you see now why i love this teacher! how many people do you know that can calm hearts and make sense of lifes mysteries by relating it jane eyre?!? haha....this woman is gifted i tell you!

but ok...2nd thing! tonight me and my mom went to see "how do you know" its actually pretty funny, i recommend it! anyway, so there is a part of the movie where reese witherspoons character goes to see a counselor/therapist and she ends up not wanting to stay and share about her problems, but instead asks something along the lines "over your course of work have you learned something general that applies to almost everyone in any circumstance?" i started to laugh when she asked this because i expected him to say no! it seems like his job is based on the uniqueness of each person, but he says "yes....find out what you want and learn how to ask for it!" she walks away then comes back and says "both of those are really hard" haha! and as i sat there and thought about it i thought about how true that was but i also felt a connection with the counselor character. i feel like since i'v been home i'v been asked the same question hundreds of times, "what did you learn?" and its a GREAT question, but when i hear it i wanna say "well i learned 27 million things, is there something specific you wanna hear about?" haha! it almost feels like i'd be belittling the experience if i said i made 1 main realization....but the truth is more that i think about it, the more i think, ya, maybe i do have 1 main thing! and it  is this...people are more the same than you think! i am not trying to take away from the beauty and uniqueness  in each individual person but i think growing up i thought people were different and places where the same but now i think i may have flipped it and people are more the same and places are different. and there is a whole lot of rhyme for my reason but basically after meeting people of different cultures, religions, backgrounds, regions etc...for as many differences i could point out, seen and unseen, i could point out that many more similiarities. and for some you may find it a dull realization, but it is one that gives me hope...it makes me feel connected to everyone....
im not looking for confirmation or agreement in my realization...im just putting the thought out there for those who have either asked the question or for those who are wondering "what i learned"

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

My mom gave me this prayer a few years back, i keep it above my bed so that i can read it daily! [excpet i left it at home:( ] lately i have been trying to figure out why did i come here? why am i leaving? what do i do when i get home? did i do things right here? did i use my time, resources wisely? etc... and its been overwhelming! but today i rememered the prayer, looked it up and it was EXACTLY what i needed to read!  i have to remember that this is only a small part of my road and i may not be able to see as far ahead as i would like! but i love that part that says "the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. " all i can hope is that i do have that desire in all that im doing and that it is the driving force behind all my actions!
update: this is my last full day in mississippi, im trying to fit everyone in for goodbye's and as much as i want to hug everyone and say goodbye part of me wants to crawl back in bed and go to sleep so i can just wake up and leave...hate goodbye's! but i'v also been getting texts and calls from people back home and it reminds me that i have the coolest, most amazing community around me and as hard as it is to leave, nothing compares to what i have at home! i was going to stop blogging the day i left but there are just too many things im left to process and i think i will learn and realize even more when im able to go home and compare...so im not signin off yet...the learning continues! haha

gotta get my act together!!!

well its reached that point...where i get so overwhelmed that i cry for no apparent reason, lol! I was working at the library yesterday and started crying, on a walk this morning i shed a few tears and now im at home...CRYING, lol! (the good news is it usualy leads to laughter! so dont be too concerned, haha) I am trying to mentally and emotional prepare myself to leave here and come home! I was talking to a friend and he said that as hard as culture shock is, reverse culture shock is worse! (i believe he is right!) i have to realize that not only have i changed while i'v been away that people and circumstances have changed back home. and so if i am frustrated with being "misunderstood" when i get home i have to realize that people are probably a little frustrated with me! Its all a process and im workin on it day by day...but most of the transition is something i have to wait to experience, i can't really process it before it happens.
Anyways, so 4 more days til i leave...AHHHH, it feels so weird to be able to count the number of days on one hand!

LOCKED IN!

today i went to the library...yes i realize it is saturday! haha! i was feeling productive and thought i'd get a jump start on my final papers and what not! I went to the third floor, there is this quiet little corner that no one goes to (that i've deemed "mine"). When i go to sit down there are 2 students talking 3 or 4 tables a in front of me. The guy said "why dont you come sit with us?" i said i had to knock a paper out real fast but appreciated the offer..he said (jokingly), "fine, if you're too good for us..." so i got up laughing "its not like that..but let me prove it to ya!" so i sat down and was immediately bombarded with questions! I dont know if the two were dating or just friends, but they were hilarious! We talked about seattle and mississippi, school and stuff. When i told them i was living at the Perkins Center we started talking about that which lead to talking about christianity and how religion changes from person to person but also from region to region. Then all the sudden the lights went out. The guy walked into the hall to see if anyone was there...the whole building was empty! It was 5 o clock, but usually the library is open late and even so, they will announce when it is closing over the intercom. So we packed up and went downstairs...the doors were locked and we were locked in! We started crackin up...i thought about going back up to finish my paper, figured there was no difference to be locked in at 5 than lockin in a couple hours later when i finished! Luckily another student passed by outside and it was all sorted out and we walked out a couple mins later! and now im sitting in the girls dorm working on my paper thinking about how funny life is!
The first thing i thought was...god must not want me to study! i try to go study but first im interrupted by people then the library shuts down! but then i realized that wasnt the message god was trying to relay to me tonight! haha! i realized how intentional god is! locking us in to create an environment for laughter and sharing! We may not be best friends-and we may not even keep in touch, but hearing their views tonight further expanded my understanding of people and made me realize that i shouldnt be too busy to take the opportunity to speak with people. (i realize that its conveniant that i gave up school work to chat, haha, but i think i also need to work on taking the time to talk to people even if that means cuttng something that i enjoy short!)
just a short little tid bit on my day!
Today also marks the 1 week count down til i return! really sad to leave here...but SO SO SO excited to see family/friends!!!

thanksgiving, shhmanksgiving

this year's thanksgiving was interesting! for starters instead of the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls, cranberry sauce etc...i had taco salad and some fruit snacks! (it was actually quite tastey) and instead of going around the table and saying something or someone we're most thankful for, me and my housemate had a movie marathon (oceans 11, 12, and 13!) However, the overall feel of the day remained! i recieved countless texts from friends near and far wishing a happy thanksgiving! family memebers called to check in and wish me the same! and all day i was in a very reflective mood about what it is that i am most thankful for! Here is the thing...there are give-ins! First and foremost, my family! Second, friends. Third, my ability to breathe, to walk, to taste, to run...my health! Fourth, that i have the freedom to live my own life, whether through encouragement from my family/friends or permission from the government!haha! and the list goes on...but for some reason what has been on my heart and mind all day are my teachers! i have not had very many throughout my whole k-12 education that i didnt like and even the ones that i didnt see eye to eye with, i appreciated! im not gonna give names...but because i couldnt share at the table today, im going to share now!
i am most appreciative of: my kindergarten teacher who encouraged me to just have fun and use my imagination! my second grade teacher who not only gave me a love of reading but was the first teacher i looked up to as a human being! one of the kindest most caring people that i'v met! my fourth grade teacher who introduced me to poetry and creative writing! my 6th grade teachers...both of whom turned out to be more like mentors! my 7th grade science teacher who not only gave me an appreciation for th sciences but who taught me a valuable lesson about embracing different cultures! my 8th grade history teacher for being one of the only classes i NEVER wanted to miss, one of the most extrordinary women iv met! my 11th grade math teacher for being the first person to explain math in a way i understood and for making me feel that i was listening to comedy stand up every class period! my 9th grade digitools teacher...what i actually thank him for isnt his teaching ability (although i loved his class) i thank him for the leadership role in my brother and friends life (as a baketball coach) i dont really know why he had such a profound impact but i think when you see the people you love respond, it causes you to respond as well! my senior english teacher or being one of the most gentle spirits i have EVER met and for helping me work through my weak areas in writing! my 12th grade physics teacher for one, being just an all around kind man, but for encouraging me to ask questions and experiment! my band teacher from 5th grade on...never have a met a teacher who earned more trust from students! and lastly, my 10th grade english teacher...for intriguing me not only with the course material but with herself! for foscusing on my strengths while still working on my weak areas! for making the nightly reading assignments turn into lively discussion and debate the next morning. For making every lesson we learned apply to the world outside the classroom! and when i needed it, for giving me grace and support!

so overall...today wasn't too bad because i was accompanied by the thoughts and thankfulness for not only all of these teachers but for the hundreds of other people in my life that love and support me and that continue to be present in my life! i wish i could say that the things i choose to do are soley based on myself and my own strength....but part of it is because for all the things i'v learned and that have been poured into me, i feel it would be a waste to not use it! in a sense then i do it out of obligation, expectation and accountability! thank you all for pushing me to explore, to ask questions, take risks, be creative, to be smart,logical and safe and yet accept life's mystery and run with it!

happy thanksgiving!

TALKS...

"TALKS" is a program i am involved in for community service...i have no idea why i havent written about it yet but i have some time on my hands this week with it being break so in thought id take a moment to write! Talks is short for "talks my mother never had with me" (or for the fellas-talks my father never had with me). They have placed me with 1 high achieving student, 1 moderately achieving student and 1 low achieving student (i dont now which is which) and we go through a curriculum together, once a  week!
Other than talking about the importance of family, friends, school, integrity etc..we are encouraged to go through important life skills that are seemingly by-passed these days. Things like how to shake someone's hand and look them in the eye, how to sit up straight, etc...It has been so much fun! my girls are in 5th grade and they are hilarious! It is interesting (and sometimes sad to me) that what they accept as "normal" and acceptable often i find unacceptable and unfair...i have learned tho that i cannot change their circumstances and even if i could there are hundreds of other kids in the school that have the same mind-set! Its not even that i pity them or think they're way of life is wrong or worse than mine...i just wish they had the opportunity to look at it from the outside in, like i do! just to give a little taste of how one of our sessions goes...
last week we did a chapter on family...so the first question i asked was "how many people are in your family"
instantly the girls starting counting their fingers...i got answers like 17, 13, 19...they had counted cousins and aunts etc...i said....what about your immediate family? every girl started her answer with "my mom has 'x' amount of kids" and after each girl went i just bluntly asked "why did you all say "my mom?" they said, "well cuz my dad has kids too!"It made me curious as to how the rest of the kids in the school would have answered!
anyways, when they asked me i said, "i have one brother and one sister" they were a little bewildered at the simplicity of my answer!
part of me was bewildered and caught off guard by their answers tho too...and as much as i try not to feel sorry for them sometimes i do (if im being completely honest)...i cant help it! i guess when i say that i feel sorry for them it is assumed that i think my way, my up-bringing is the better way...thats not it! its more that im upset and disgusted with the part of life where we dont get to choose! i hate that life is unfair...

and YET, it makes us who we are! the girls in my group are who they are because of how they were brought up and the environment they were brought up in...and what i have realized is im quick to point out what needs to change..what is unjust or unfair...when there are a lot of things that need to be admired! like when the girls first answered the family question by counting extended family..what a cool frame of mind to instantly count your extended family..your cousins, aunts, grandparents in as your family! here i have the learned the importance of blood...whether you have common ground or not, you do anything for family!

im sorry if this blog was just a big blob of words...this would be an example of me processing as im writing...i thought about waiting to revise it but with respect to my last couple of blogs and being honest, open and vulnerable i am going to keep it 'as is'!

emotional rollercoaster!!!

Im gearin up for finals week...its weird that its comin so fast! As i think about leaving i become schizophrenic!!! i want to jump for joy but then i want to cry! i have fallen in love with some of the characteristics, places, traditions, and people here! I think its more than just leaving those things and people here...its comin home and trying to get back into the swing of things! how do you do that when you've had a life altering, view changing, heart wrenching experience! How do you encorporate what you've learned and how you've grown into your every day life when no one around you knows or understands the process of how you got there?
and perhaps i dont have to encorporate anything...maybe god brought me here simply to just witness and see it! (i think sometimes i over analyze situations but often i feel that if i become involved in something or my heart is attached to something that i have to do something, i have to act....) and of course it will sometimes subconciously form how i think or process certain situations, but maybe i dont have to DO anything with this experience other than be a part of it!
If you think about it, pray that i can prepare my heart for the transition-for leaving people i love here but then for coming back to people i love back home! and pray that i dont think about it too much these next couple of weeks...its still about 3 weeks out, i dont need to get emotional yet! haha! pray that i continue to be involved with the campus, the house and the community and not allow me leaving soon to discourage or dishearten me!

Mystery and Manners

So Mark left me with a book, "Mystery and Manners" by Flannery O'Connor and not only do i love it for filling up some of my free time, i LOVE what it says! (reminds me that you dont gotta go very far to learn somethin) Anyways, i'v been encouraged (by mark and my dad, but also by others) to write what i see as im here in mississippi (for those that dont know, i have started writing a book). So i have been trying to do just that! As i sat and read from O'Connors book today, i felt she was encouraging me to do the same. First i read a passage where she is actually writing about another author. He said, "if i write about a hill that is rotting, it is because i despise rot'. the general accusation passed against writers now is that they write about rot because they love it. Some do, and their works may betray them, but it is impossible not to believe that some write about rot because they see it and recognize it for what it is." Later in the chapter she writes "My own feeling is that writers who see by the light of their christain faith will have, in these times,the sharpest eyes for the grotesque, for the perverse and for the unacceptable..."
I guess thats what im working on right now...writing and labeling things for what they are! A lot of times i may not necessarily have the 'right' to speak those ideas, but im allowed to write them down and process them in that way! I asked a friend what he thought that last quote meant...he described it literally but then said...its like when you love something so much you hate it! and i think thats exactly what has happened here. I have fallen in love with the culture, the land, the tradition, the people etc...but often the things i observe are perverse and unacceptable! And perhaps that is why i fell in love with it in the first place. but i love it so much that i hate it...i hate the cycle of poverty, i hate the reality of resources (or a lack there of), i hate that they have people like me comin in to observe but who dont really do any good!
What i have learned that i can do however, is continue to write! To write things how i see them, or for what they truely are! another quote: "when you can assume your audience holds the same beliefs you do, you can relax a little and use more normal means of talking to it; when you have to assume that it does not then you have to make your vision apparent by shock-to the hard of hearing you shsout, and for the almost blind you draw large and startling figures"
as i continue to write my book (if i can call it that, haha) i pray that i find balance in sensoring my words but in speaking truth and saying what i want to say in order to illustrate the things that some people dont get to witness.

some pics from our adventures...

Pat O'Briens-home of the hurricane and now a bunch of good memories

me and bartender barry....one of those classic stories

all good things come to an end...

so im sitting here reflecting on the last couple of days (and to be honest, im shedding a few tears) but they arent all sad...i am just SO happy that i got the chance to see some family over the weekend! Not only was it a few of the funnest days i'v had for awhile...it was some of the most profound! I'v mentioned that i value being known and knowing others and thats exactly what this weekend was for me...a time to be known! It was FULL of laughter and good conversation! And i didnt feel that i had to explain myself all that much...my dad (and mark) get me so well that most of what i was saying or stuff that they would say to me was assumed, which to me are rare type of relationship!

anyways,When they got here friday we started with a trip around their old stompin grounds...heard some great stories! then they toured the school with me, which was so fun for me to share some of what iv been experiencing with them, they got to see and get a feel for my daily surroundings and environment, meet some of my friends etc...then (after driving around for hours, lol) we got some drinks at a hotel downtown and then grabbed some of hte best bbq iv ever had at E & L's!!!
We got up saturday mornin and grabbed some starbucks, (praise god!) then drove to Nawlins! chowed down on some beneighs in the french quarter then walked around and admired some of the artwork! It was a perfect day, sunny but kinda cool! Then i had my first Hurricane-which just about sent me over the edge! we spent a good 2 hours at patty o'briens and i dont think i was quite drunk, but i was definately not sober, haha...it was a great time tho! Then we left to grab some grub-ended up in a little whole in the wall bar-we were the only people that were there...the bartender (barry) ended up sittin with us for most of the meal! by the end of the night we were takin shots together and takin pictures! Then we went back to bourbon street for some live music at "open door" it was amazing music! Part of my favorite entertainment tho was watching my dad and mark "jam" with the band...they were a little loose if ysa kno what i mean! haha
Sunday after we all recovered,haha, got to sit down for lunch with dr. john perkins-heard some profound things! then another starbucks run with the oldies-which actually we got a great hour or so in, talkin about my experience thus far processing what has been happening and talking about the goals, vision etc for the future! and now they're gone and i cant help but cry because, well one, im a crier, lol and 2 because not only is some of the fun over, but those people, who are people i feel known by, comfortable with, secure in, people i can be vulnerable with are gone! no they arent dying and yes i will see them soon, but it was such a relief to be with them this weekend and not have to think! we had some great conversations but i didnt really have to process anything or make any big decisions! lately i have just felt mentally and emotionally drained and having them here this weekend allowed me to just let go for a couple of days!
Feel like got a little breathe of life breathed back into me and now i can finish the semester strong with faith and confidence in what i am doing! forever grateful for the lessons learned this weekend...but more than wisdom and great advice...i thank you, mark and dad for simply loving me enough to show up and be present when i needed it most!

grace like rain...

so this morning when i got up for class i was in a sort of solomn, reflective mood. We had a house meeting last night and a lot of issues were addressed so i was thinking about that and also recently have just been trying to think about the goals i have or want to set before i leave because im realizing just how close that day is from now (6 weeks i think?!?) i dont think its bad to be reflective or serious, but i have been a little too caught up in that kind of stuff that sometimes i forget to just enjoy what is around me!
So ANYWAYS, i walked out of the house and it was sprinkling rain, but i had my northface on so i was thinking id be good! it felt SO good to walk in the rain...it was kinda cool outside and overcast (almost felt like i was in seattle!) but as soon as i turned the corner from robinson street it started POURING!!! not just a lot of little rain drops but a TON of HUGE rain drops! after literally 4 seconds it looked like i had dove into a pool with all my clothes on! i could do nothing but laugh! i just got the giggles for the next couple blocks! Its like god knew i needed a little break-and as i got to school i couldnt help but think of that song "hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me" sometimes i forget how blessed i am...as corny as it sounds, it was just a nice reminder...

p.s. for those of you that were worried about me being SOPPING wet, no worries-i had some extra clothes in my back pack and got a hold of a friend on campus! i changed in her room and left my stuff to dry!

p.p.s only 3 links in my count down chain for my visitors coming friday!!! ( my dad and uncle mark!!! lol-you guys are gettin me through this week!)

its ok to look stupid...sometimes

Today i had to walk to walgreens, so i asked my roommate if she wanted to come with..she said she wanted to run tho...so naturally i suggested DA-NOGGING (which is dancing and jogging) lol! we both brought our i-pods, played different songs, so we were dancing to different beats! (im sure we looked absolutely ridiculous) sometimes we'd stop and jerk...then we'd dougie..and at times we'de stop and she would try and teach me the Mo'Head swag (i feel like im pretty good rhythmically but for some reason just cannot learn this dance, lol!) anyways...what i realized while doing this was it was the first time i felt stupid BY CHOICE since i'v been here...and thats a completely different feeling than feeling stupid when you walk into a room and everyone stares or open your mouth and say the wrong thing...and i gotta say it felt so good to laugh at myself! so maybe da-nogging will be a weekly thing!
thats all for today, just a random tid-bit i wanted to share! love to you all...

The audience...almost as entertaining as the performers

anytime a song comes on people get up and start doin their "struts"...

more of that famous Mo'Head swag!!!

STEP SHOW!!!

These are the Sigmas, my personal favorites of the night! just wanted to give ya a little taste....

MO'HEAD SWAG!!!

this is the most RIDICULOUS dance i have ever seen, but EVERY ONE here does it! (this guy right here is the best!) im workin on it so i can bring it back to the tac, lol!

SO anyways, this would be an example of a "hot spot" on campus! and its homecoming week so its extra crazy! people and alum come from all over to support their sororities or fraternities and there are things scheduled all week! This hot spot lasted a couple hours!

im in a little bit of a funk right now...heres the story...

last week i was walking home from the gym...it wasnt dark yet, but it was gettin there. A nice blue car rolled past me, after passing me it turned around and came up behind me. At first i thought...just keep walkin! but then the window rolled down and a heard a mans voice say "you good?" ("you need a ride?") i said, ya im alright, thanks tho! he said, alright i was just checkin, i'v seen you on campus, dont want ya to get snatched up! i kinda snickered and said...well if i got in a car with you you could snatch me up! he laughed and said "i feel you, its not like that tho...i see you talkin to lil joe everyday, you seem like a good person, just thought you could use a ride!" ...so i said, well i appreciate the offer, i kinda like walkin anyways! he said, alright, well take it easy...let me kno if you ever got problems on campus! i said "sure will, preciate it!" he drove off, i thought nothin about it!
2 nights later i went to the football game then out with some girls afterwards! lil joe was at the club, so you aready know i spent some good quality time talkin to him!haha! and while i was talkin to him, i look up and there was the guy with the blue car...and we just looked at eachother, it wasnt an awkward stare and it wasnt a sexual thing...it was weird tho, he looked at me for a good 5-10seconds, then looked at joe, then back at me...then smiled! i kinda laughed then went back to my conversation with joe! on my end it just felt affirming, like he wa supporting me, even if just in that moment...because most people were prob wondering, why did she come to the club to talk to lil joe?! i dunno, i really cant explain it, and maybe im making it all up in my head because i want it to mean something.
 But today i found out that a student from jsu passed away...(and im not gonna give his name) but it was him!  I dont think that i could have done anything to stop it, but for some reason im feelin really sick about it! i think part of it is because i labeled him the second i saw him...i assumed he pulled over with motivations other than pure kindness. and i think he could sense that...i think most people can! so i am thankful to him for reminding me to put faith in people..and not only when i feel they "deserve" it, but simply because they are alive on this earth with me. It is also just a reminder to live life to the fullest, i think its easy for me to get caught up in outcomes, consequences or just my own thought process when whats really important is that i engage in whats in front of me.
anyways,  if you think about it, say  alittle prayer for his family and friends!

"so i never actually am alone, i just aways feel alone..."

i was walkin around campus today...and i kept playin "fear" by drake on my i-pod...it has seemed to capture my mood lately...today has been one of those days iv felt completely overwhelmed by people and yet never felt more alone! Walkin down the plaza i had at least 30 people say hey or come up to talk and after each one walked away i wanted to punch them, haha! ok, maybe not punch them....but i kinda wanted to scream! because NOT one single person had a genuine conversation with me! im feeling very much like sometimes the only reason people stop and talk is to be seen talking to me...i am the token white girl on campus! and i dont mind wavin and sayin hey and i LOVE meetin new people but it gets old...its one of those things that when you feel you're continually pouring out you want to be poured into! All that to say, this experience has made me appreciate community on a whole new level!
i LOVE to be known and to really know other people and i dont feel as if i truly know a single person here or vice versa...and when i think about home i can ONLY think of a community that has surrounded and supported me and who really knows me!  and i guess that plays into this lonely feeling...not only that im without you all, but that im frustrated with myself that i havent met or made a friend like that with someone here!
but while im all sentimental and vulnerable i really would just like to take a min to thank you...my community and support group-friends, family, church members, mentors, teachers who get me and who root for me! the only thing i have to lean on sometimes when i "feel" alone is the facts...that i am most certainly NOT alone! thank you for the continued support and prayers...